what to look for in a person

my cousin is going through it with her boyfriend. to be honest, i was always skeptical towards this relationship. but i tried to give her some advice. here’s what i told her.

the first thing i asked her was about admiration. do you admire him? does he admire you? if the answer to any of those questions is ”no” or ”idk” you’re fucked. admiration is the basis for any relationship.

the second thing i wondered was ”do you make each other better?” this might seem a vague question, but are you genuinely pushing each other to become better versions of yourselves? because if not, wtf is the point?1

the third and most important thing i asked her was about values. what are your core values? are your values aligned in the relationship?

this is when i realized, i’d barely be able to answer that question myself. what are my values?

there are superficial things like similar music taste and hobbies and stuff. while those are OK answers, i think they’re bonuses. they’re not what you’re actually looking for in another person.

there’s a similar case with discipline and intelligence and ambition and stuff. everyone says they’re looking for these things and everyone thinks they’re virtuous. but are you really? and are you gonna be that way for decades? probably not.

so what to look for?

OK now i will selfishly try to discover what i value. what are the values i’d be looking for?

(1) honesty. honesty is something everyone mentions. but how honest are you really? the important thing about honesty is how honest you are when it’s not virtuous to be honest. you almost want to find someone who is honest because they’re selfish. they’re honest because it hurts their character to lie. it’s just not who they are. you don’t want someone who is honest to you because they like you. that’s terrible. because as soon as incentives are not aligned their nose will start growing.

(2) long term thinking. if you’re going to spend your life with someone they need to be a long term thinker. the way you do anything is the way you do everything. if they’re greedy and want to get rich quick, what are the odds they will invest long term in your relationship? basically zero lol. (applies to both people ofc).

(3) open mindedness. many things fall under this category, such as thinking for oneself, and self-awareness. but let me explain more concretely what i mean. on thinking for oneself, you can often tell if someone is following the herd vs thinking for themself by asking the right questions, such as “what do you have strong opinions about?” or “what would you do more of if you had the time?” having a passion for something, literally anything, is a sign they got there on their own. for self-awareness i will give a personal anecdote. i dislike people who are very materialistic. especially if you’re materialistic and don’t know why you are that way. if you think buying clothes twice a week is ”just who you are” and not downstream of your environment, i’m outta thereeee. 2

OK but when you (kinda) know what to look for, how to look for it? simple. look at their actions. catch them in their natural habitat. the way to know someone’s real values is to look at what they do, not what they say. someone somewhere said people are more honest with their actions than with their words.

lastly, i read this nietzche quote and it stuck with me. “when marrying you should ask yourself this question: do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman into your old age? everything else in a marriage is transitory, but most of the time that you’re together will be devoted to conversation.” implicit in this it that you want to find someone who is curious, because if both of you aren’t very curious you’ll eventually run out of things to talk about.

i will leave you with this: you can’t change people. if there is anything i’ve learned from the little reading i’ve done is that people do what they want to do. there was a great saying that people rarely change and never when you want them to. never go into a relationship expecting to change the person.

(subject to update, let’s see how this evolves..)