fog lifts and doubt hits

i told myself yesterday that i will write 20+ minutes a day. i already do this, but it’s journal-ish and mostly private stuff.

what to write? how to write?

that usually solves itself as one starts writing. the question that bothers me more is: if i don’t feel like writing, should i force myself?

probably yes, but it lowkey makes the writing feel fake.

almost everything i write is off the whim. for example last year i had some grand plan of making a great essay and was working on it for WEEKS (i learned that grand plans NEVER work. you can’t plan your way to anything great). now i can’t even remember what it was about lmao. but i remember enjoying the process of writing it. and i didn’t force any of it. it was just what i wanted to do at that moment.1

it’s one thing if a piece is in the works, cause then you just get up and CONTINUE. but if nothing is half-done, then forcing myself to write feels like forcing myself to have good ideas. it just doesn’t work.

but maybe SOME forcing is productive. like at the start of writing this, i had no idea what to write about. i still don’t. but words are just FLOWING somehow, because i just started typing.

i feel my head spinning right now. i sat down to write and my head is filled with ideas, yet i can’t grab on to any of them. it’s somehow overwhelmed and empty at the same time.

my first instinct was to blame this feeling of overwhelm on not consuming enough. if i can’t pinpoint any one idea in my mind, surely it’s because the stuff i’ve consumed lately wasn’t good enough. so i should consume more! right?

idk… maybe the antidote is the exact opposite: produce, not consume. write, speak, go for a walk, touch grass. matter of fact, i’m gonna go on a little bike ride now and see if i feel better after. brb.

i biked home from uni and was still foggy when i got home. i did get a couple ideas to write/speak about at the end. so i jotted them down, then i decided to take a nap. i just woke up AND I FEEL FUCKING INVINCIBLE!!!

i channeled this energy into writing. and it worked. BUT, now that i’m busy writing, a new problem appeared: who will even read this? WHY am i writing this?

i guess it’s a part of the game to feel this way. but this feeling of what you doing possibly being completely fucking useless is HUMILIATING.

and let’s be real, most likely no one IS going to read this. but would i still write this if no one ever read it? YES. for this particular piece, YES. because i’m not forcing myself to write it. it’s what i enjoy doing at this moment.2