"why am i sad here?"

in preparation for my exchange semester, i read people’s experiences abroad. turns out, what they said was true… this post summarized it pretty well: “Study abroad prep made me think my biggest problems would be packing and budgeting. Turns out it was missing home while sitting in a beautiful café thinking, why am I sad here?”1

(i also found this wild post about someone’s experience currently abroad, which might seem extreme but i think is pretty common.2)

it sounds goofy. studying abroad seems like a dream!! how could anyone be miserable in such a blessed situation?

during my first solo trip last year, i was sitting in my hotel room preparing for the next day. i was attending a big event i’d looked forward to. but instead of being excited, i just felt alone… after that trip i realized the importance KNOWING you MIGHT feel bad, even in a place you thought would be euphoric. because then you won’t spiral into feeling anxious about feeling bad, and stressed about feeling anxious about feeling bad, and so on.

anyway. below are references for my future self going to singapore, perhaps it’ll be useful for you who’s going abroad too.

first and foremost, know that it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows, as people would have you believe. BUT, you’ll probably remember it as sunshine and rainbows. see this account for example:

“I studied abroad in Beijing for two semesters and I spent most of the time clinically depressed, overwhelmed, homesick, and just miserable. […] Fifteen years later, when I think of my time there, my mind is flooded with all the good stuff. The bad stuff was reaaaaaally bad, but somehow none of it hits me as hard as all the cool experiences I had there and how I’ll never have that opportunity again. I don’t like to tell students that there is a dark side to studying abroad because I don’t want to discourage them from doing it. I’m so grateful I did it. I’m grateful for the beautiful memories I have and for how it transformed me as a person, even though I forget how miserable I was most of the time there.”3

this is a phenomenon called Rosy Retrospection, where people remember past events more positively than they actually were. this will likely be the case for you too.

so what can you do to not get depressed?

1. build a routine. many study-abroad accounts say loneliness gets worse when your days feel unstructured. small things like the same breakfast spot, gym, or grocery store helps a lot. plan your days in advance if necessary.

2. go outside. force yourself out of the house if you have to. life is just better outside. go for a walk. explore the city. go on meetup.com or facebook groups and find events (preferably for activities you’re interested in and were already doing back home. could be drawing, running, religion, work, gym, whatever). go to bars (if that’s your thing).4

3. talk to humans. they’re usually nicer than you think. i know this can be hard if you’re introverted, but the event stuff i mentioned above will be good for you then. talking to people with similar interests is always easier. like it or not, you probably need more human connection.

4. find new housing. idc if it’s double the money, a proper bed without mold is worth more than 2x the money. if you don’t have the money, ask strangers for a couch.5

5. remember that hard shit builds character. if there was no struggle you wouldn’t grow. alex hormozi once said: the bigger the dragon, the more epic the story, the more epic the hero. THIS WILL BE PART OF THE STORY YOU ONE DAY TELL.

6. seek therapy. there’s no shame in needing someone to talk to during hard times. go talk to someone if you’re down bad.

7. if nothing else, go home lol. at least you will appreciate home more when you get back.

i’ll leave you with this account i found: “The worst part wasn’t that I was feeling bad, but that I felt guilty for feeling bad. I thought that I wasn’t doing what I ‘should,’ which is to say, seeing every museum and traveling to as many cities as possible and ‘living my best life.’ I was worried that I was somehow disappointing the people I had left back home. I would try to tell myself the old refrain of ‘You’re not allowed to be sad, you’re in [Fill in Your City Here]!’ But in all honesty, that is not fair. Don’t tell yourself that, and don’t let others tell you that either.” - Tessa Copeland6